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Post by the light works on Dec 6, 2017 0:23:24 GMT
the rise in crime is all our fault. by adopting cell phones, we caused the removal of phone booths, and Superman has nowhere to change clothes.
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Post by Cybermortis on Dec 6, 2017 16:21:00 GMT
{Chatroom comments on Twitch}
"It would have been amazing if that randomly released arrow had hit him"
"Based on {casters name} driving here I'm guessing the two hour trip to the shops involves and hour and twenty minutes waiting for him to get out of the driveway"
{Caster} "I have almost 100 rounds of ammunition, Yay!"
{Chatroom member} "Well done, you should manage to hit him once before running out"
{Caster} "We can get through this, I just need to use stealth, speed and accuracy"
(Chatroom} "So basically we're screwed then"
{Chatroom} "I'd be less concerned with being shot and more concerned with letting {caster} drive. He's Canadian, they tend to crash into the only tree within 100 miles"
{Caster, laughing} "Shut up you that's..." *Drives over hill, takes to the air and crashes headfirst into the only tree in sight*
{Chatroom} "Told you"
{Moderator in channel} "Note; We would like to reassure new viewers that the noise's they are hearing are not a Chinchilla being fed into a blender. That is the sound of {caster name} 'singing'. Your confusion is understandable, but we would like to reassure you that no animals have been harmed in the production of this cast"
{Moderator in chat} "Yay! Another mod! I can stop pretending to work now"
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Post by Cybermortis on Dec 7, 2017 17:39:19 GMT
Seen on Twitter; Seth McFarland posts image from The Orville with the Captain and First Officer sitting on the bridge facepalming.  One comment reads; "Let me guess, someone put Star Trek Discovery on the main viewer and lost the remote?" |
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Post by Cybermortis on Dec 22, 2017 13:07:22 GMT
Heard on a British TV show where contestants go out to buy antiques in one hour to sell at auction. The contestants get an antiques expert to help them. Two of the contestents in this case were brothers;
Expert, on one contestant; "Does he always get his way?"
Contestant 2; "Yes, he's the eldest"
Expert; "Has he always been this way?"
Contestant 2; "He's been the eldest for as long as I've known him"
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Post by silverdragon on Dec 24, 2017 8:24:50 GMT
Here is a little tip for you all...
You know when it snows and you catch snowfalkes on your tongue?.
Wait until you are sure all the birds have flown south for winter.
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Post by the light works on Jan 22, 2018 1:15:44 GMT
My wife asked me for chapstick.
I accidentally gave her superglue.
she still isn't talking to me.
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Post by WhutScreenName on Feb 16, 2018 18:49:51 GMT
I saw on the news today that Dez Bryant (Dallas Cowboy's Football player) father was kicked in the face. It's true, Dez Pa See Toe!  |
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Post by the light works on May 26, 2018 1:08:18 GMT
"the only thing a flat earther fears, a sphere, itself."
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Post by the light works on Jun 13, 2018 3:27:42 GMT
so as not to pollute the editorial critique thread:
how do sheep move house?
they rent a ewe haul.
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Post by the light works on Jul 11, 2018 4:33:44 GMT
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Post by the light works on Aug 17, 2018 23:42:33 GMT
I'm not saying summer traffic is bad, but I offered a ride to a hiker, and he said, "no thanks, I'm in a hurry"
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Post by c64 on Aug 20, 2018 16:23:51 GMT
I'm not saying summer traffic is bad, but I offered a ride to a hiker, and he said, "no thanks, I'm in a hurry" Or tell you to drop them off at the next intersection/fuelstation after discovering that you don't have an A/C. |
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Post by c64 on Aug 20, 2018 16:27:58 GMT
the rise in crime is all our fault. by adopting cell phones, we caused the removal of phone booths, and Superman has nowhere to change clothes. In Germany, parents always tell their kids: "Eat up everything on your plate or it will be rainy tomorrow!". And now we have extreme heat waves and fat kids! |
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Post by mrfatso on Aug 22, 2018 16:45:40 GMT
There a science show on the BBC called The Infinte Monkey Cage, with Professor Brian Cox a comedian named Robin Ince who talk with guests on various subjects. It has a theme written. By Eric Idle.
PETA started to complain the title of the show was inappropriate as monkeys should not kept in cramped cages.
Robin Inces reply was that as the cage was Infinte it's actually pretty roomy.
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Post by the light works on Aug 22, 2018 16:57:21 GMT
There a science show on the BBC called The Infinte Monkey Cage, with Professor Brian Cox a comedian named Robin Ince who talk with guests on various subjects. It has a theme written. By Eric Idle. PETA started to complain the title of the show was inappropriate as monkeys should kept in cramped cages. Robin Inces reply was that as the cage was Infinte it's actually pretty roomy. good smackdown. |
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Post by OziRiS on Oct 27, 2018 8:26:46 GMT
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Post by rmc on Oct 27, 2018 18:07:59 GMT
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." |
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Post by the light works on Oct 27, 2018 23:17:04 GMT
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Post by GTCGreg on Dec 28, 2018 5:09:59 GMT
Meeting of the local chapter of AA  |
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Post by OziRiS on Dec 28, 2018 19:15:26 GMT
A late Christmas joke:
Son: Dad, I want an iPhone X for Christmas.
Dad: Excuse me...? I raised you better than that. What's the magic word?
Son: Karen.
Dad: Karen...? Karen who?
Son: The woman who comes around when Mom isn't home and you think I'm sleeping.
Dad: Uhm... Yeah... You want a case for that phone as well?
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