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Post by c64 on Sept 11, 2013 20:24:26 GMT
Did you hear about the guy who wanted his windows cleaned? He had Bose-Einstien condensation
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Post by c64 on Sept 11, 2013 20:32:01 GMT
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
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Post by c64 on Sept 11, 2013 20:44:38 GMT
A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....
Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive
----------------------------
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices that they are reaching the ground at the same time.
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian scientific writes in his book: A thermometer falls with the speed of light.
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Post by the light works on Sept 11, 2013 20:50:11 GMT
A tour bus driver is giving a tour of Washington DC, and at each stop, he describes the building and tells how much it cost to build and how long. at each stop a woman cries out that in Mother Russia, it could have been built in half the time for half the money. he is so sick of this behavior that at the last stop in his tour; the Washington Monument, he begins to just drive past without saying anything.
the russian woman taps him on the shoulder and asks, "Driver, what is big column over there?"
the driver stops and looks at it for a minute, then shrugs his shoulders and says, "beats me, lady. It wasn't there yesterday."
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Post by ironhold on Sept 11, 2013 23:28:00 GMT
A tour bus driver is giving a tour of Washington DC, and at each stop, he describes the building and tells how much it cost to build and how long. at each stop a woman cries out that in Mother Russia, it could have been built in half the time for half the money. he is so sick of this behavior that at the last stop in his tour; the Washington Monument, he begins to just drive past without saying anything. the russian woman taps him on the shoulder and asks, "Driver, what is big column over there?" the driver stops and looks at it for a minute, then shrugs his shoulders and says, "beats me, lady. It wasn't there yesterday." Actually, a real-life version of this joke did reportedly take place when J. Golden Kimball, a somewhat high-ranking clergyman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, was tasked with showing Salt Lake City off to a number of visitors from the Eastern US. The visitors failed to understand the hardships that the membership faced during the 1800s in attempting to get the key structures and features of the town built or what they were able to pull off regardless.* Instead, they just heard about how long it took and started making negative comments. Kimball, who was already infamous for his quick wit and even quicker tongue, pulled that trick on them to shut them up. *When Salt Lake City was first founded, church leader Brigham Young ordered that the city planners use the same sort of grid plat system that had been successfully used in Nauvoo, Illinois when the church was still there. Some time around the early 1900s or so, the US Postal Service did a survey of the city. To their absolute astonishment, they found that the grid plat system which had been laid down in the 1840s / 1850s using essentially primitive survey equipment was so accurate and so precise that the assigned grid square coordinates given to each building was just as good as a mailing address; in some instances, the specific coordinates led people right up to the front door of the building. |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Sept 23, 2013 3:35:07 GMT
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Post by privatepaddy on Sept 27, 2013 11:51:53 GMT
Paddy was walking down the high street when Shamus came running toward him and panting at the effort.
"Paddy have "gasp "heard the" wheeze "News"
"What terrible news?" Paddy replied "and take the time to settle or you'll be having a heart attack"
"Murphys dead!"
"MURPHY Dead!............my god what happened?"
"A bus ran over his arm!"
"His arm...... that shouldn't have killed him???"
"No Paddy you don't understand........he was picking his nose at the time"
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Post by c64 on Sept 28, 2013 14:45:06 GMT
A trucker calls his boss:
Trucker: "I can't finish my tour, the mirror is broken!"
Boss: "But you can still drive with a broken mirror!?"
Trucker: "But the truck is lying on top!"
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Sept 29, 2013 3:17:21 GMT
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Oct 29, 2013 3:26:31 GMT
My best friend sent me this & I couldn’t stop laughing! I thought I’d share it with you all. ENJOY!  Do you fart in bed ? This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual nopeeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in." |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Oct 30, 2013 0:42:55 GMT
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Nov 10, 2013 3:39:34 GMT
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Post by c64 on Nov 22, 2013 13:15:24 GMT
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Nov 22, 2013 16:58:42 GMT
What are the Austrians doing to Ostriches?? We have laws against that in the US...  |
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Post by c64 on Nov 26, 2013 18:36:08 GMT
What are the Austrians doing to Ostriches?? We have laws against that in the US...  Oster = Easter, maybe it's that what you saw? |
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Nov 26, 2013 19:52:02 GMT
I was working off of the word Osterreich |
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Post by OziRiS on Nov 26, 2013 21:21:10 GMT
I was working off of the word Osterreich Never thought of that! Good one! |
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Post by c64 on Nov 27, 2013 14:59:48 GMT
I was working off of the word Osterreich Österreich = Austria. It's what they call their own country. |
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Post by OziRiS on Nov 27, 2013 19:45:27 GMT
I think he gets that c64. English speaking people just don't know how to pronounce the umlaut, so they'll just say it like a regular O. Hence the reference to the ostrich.
For the native English speakers: The "umlaut" is the German word for the two little dots over the O. It produces a different sound that has no equivalent in English. The sound is quite common in Northern European languages. In danish, it's represented by the letter Ø instead of the two dots over the O.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Nov 28, 2013 1:22:11 GMT
I think he gets that c64. English speaking people just don't know how to pronounce the umlaut, so they'll just say it like a regular O. Hence the reference to the ostrich. For the native English speakers: The "umlaut" is the German word for the two little dots over the O. It produces a different sound that has no equivalent in English. The sound is quite common in Northern European languages. In danish, it's represented by the letter Ø instead of the two dots over the O. So, it's an O, but it's not an O  |
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