|
|
Post by OziRiS on Jul 16, 2015 0:50:14 GMT
On a lighter note (this IS a joke thread):  |
|
|
|
Post by silverdragon on Jul 16, 2015 6:57:30 GMT
at the same time, I can understand where they are coming from. case in point, they asked their lawyer if they were chasing a suspect and he ran in front of a car and he got hit, would they be prosecuted; and he said yes. And if that had happened over here, city officials holding police officers accountable for things they shouldn't be held accountable for and police officers (understandably) responding by refusing to do their jobs, the government would have stepped in long ago to ensure public safety. Politics in the police force... Which is why my Father got out. He was faced with returning to a Tall Hat after being CSI for over 10 yrs, he couldnt do that, he wasnt physically able to do that, so he retired 2yrs early on sick leave. He knew already (back in the 90's) that he would not survive the new politics police, it used to be a case if you injure yourself fleeing the police, thats YOUR fault, for running. Now?.. Its the police fault for you breaking the law. And my father hated the rise of that beast. Its stops the law from doing its job... If you are breaking the law, why do you have any protection at all?... Fear of harm used to be a deterrent in its self. When arresting a violent criminal, they didnt get "safe" handling, they got sat on. Now you have to use cotton wool handcuffs so you dont hurt their hands?... Ok, I get the idea that "Some" coppers were a little over the top, and there are a few who get power crazy and get a little too aggressive, they should be dealt with. But tarring them ALL with the same brush?... Racist police, find out who they are and remove them. They make the rest of them look bad. Racist because they ONLY arrest Blacks?... In a city area where that copper works its 99.9% ethnic, try to find one "White" criminal to arrest.... Og course he only arrests the people that live there. Its not like you can ship in a few whities to make an example of is it?... Is that racist, or is it just facts?... |
|
|
|
Post by the light works on Jul 16, 2015 14:09:24 GMT
I forget now who i was who said, if your population is 75% ethnic, and ethnics get arrested three times as often as non-ethnics, that's not profiling, that's demographics.
The issue we have right now, is that we have a few loud mouthpieces proclaiming that police are evil hurtful people who exist to put the hurt on people, we have a few people who have no qualms about killing a policeman in order to continue getting away with what they are trying to get away with, a lot of people who know that having a police officer identify them and their hobbies will not go well for them; and a lot of people who think it is cool to act tough. throw the whole lot together, and you have a police officer who is working in a hostile work environment, knows someone out there wants to kill him, and can't tell who is who.
personally, I feel as Silver does - if you hurt yourself in the process of resisting arrest, that's your problem. if you refuse to let the officer take you alive, that just saved the courts some money - but you DO have to weed out the inevitable bad apples; which, to be honest, has not been done all that effectively, of late, in some places.
case in point: a recent killing involved a man who had a warrant out for not paying his child support. the police officer pulled him over for a burned out light. somehow, it progressed form that to an altercation in which the man with the warrant was trying to grab the officer's TASER, before breaking away and trying to run - whereupon the officer shot him. there were articles written praising what a good man the deceased was, and how he was a great father, and wasn't doing anything wrong when the officer shot him to death for being black and then tried to plant evidence on him by moving the taser from where he had dropped it when he broke away, to where he fell after being shot.
|
|
|
|
Post by OziRiS on Jul 16, 2015 14:41:00 GMT
I forget now who i was who said, if your population is 75% ethnic, and ethnics get arrested three times as often as non-ethnics, that's not profiling, that's demographics. The issue we have right now, is that we have a few loud mouthpieces proclaiming that police are evil hurtful people who exist to put the hurt on people, we have a few people who have no qualms about killing a policeman in order to continue getting away with what they are trying to get away with, a lot of people who know that having a police officer identify them and their hobbies will not go well for them; and a lot of people who think it is cool to act tough. throw the whole lot together, and you have a police officer who is working in a hostile work environment, knows someone out there wants to kill him, and can't tell who is who. personally, I feel as Silver does - if you hurt yourself in the process of resisting arrest, that's your problem. if you refuse to let the officer take you alive, that just saved the courts some money - but you DO have to weed out the inevitable bad apples; which, to be honest, has not been done all that effectively, of late, in some places. case in point: a recent killing involved a man who had a warrant out for not paying his child support. the police officer pulled him over for a burned out light. somehow, it progressed form that to an altercation in which the man with the warrant was trying to grab the officer's TASER, before breaking away and trying to run - whereupon the officer shot him. there were articles written praising what a good man the deceased was, and how he was a great father, and wasn't doing anything wrong when the officer shot him to death for being black and then tried to plant evidence on him by moving the taser from where he had dropped it when he broke away, to where he fell after being shot. Some kids just don't play well with others. Those kids should not be allowed to become police officers when they grow up. That being said, yes, some police officers do work in hostile environments and should be allowed to take the appropriate actions to protect themselves and the public. Problem is, some can't handle the pressure of that environment and end up using way more force than necessary to get the job done. I don't think there are a lot of those people working as police officers, but, as it is with so many things, a few is enough to ruin it for the rest. |
|
|
|
Post by the light works on Jul 16, 2015 15:25:17 GMT
I forget now who i was who said, if your population is 75% ethnic, and ethnics get arrested three times as often as non-ethnics, that's not profiling, that's demographics. The issue we have right now, is that we have a few loud mouthpieces proclaiming that police are evil hurtful people who exist to put the hurt on people, we have a few people who have no qualms about killing a policeman in order to continue getting away with what they are trying to get away with, a lot of people who know that having a police officer identify them and their hobbies will not go well for them; and a lot of people who think it is cool to act tough. throw the whole lot together, and you have a police officer who is working in a hostile work environment, knows someone out there wants to kill him, and can't tell who is who. personally, I feel as Silver does - if you hurt yourself in the process of resisting arrest, that's your problem. if you refuse to let the officer take you alive, that just saved the courts some money - but you DO have to weed out the inevitable bad apples; which, to be honest, has not been done all that effectively, of late, in some places. case in point: a recent killing involved a man who had a warrant out for not paying his child support. the police officer pulled him over for a burned out light. somehow, it progressed form that to an altercation in which the man with the warrant was trying to grab the officer's TASER, before breaking away and trying to run - whereupon the officer shot him. there were articles written praising what a good man the deceased was, and how he was a great father, and wasn't doing anything wrong when the officer shot him to death for being black and then tried to plant evidence on him by moving the taser from where he had dropped it when he broke away, to where he fell after being shot. Some kids just don't play well with others. Those kids should not be allowed to become police officers when they grow up. That being said, yes, some police officers do work in hostile environments and should be allowed to take the appropriate actions to protect themselves and the public. Problem is, some can't handle the pressure of that environment and end up using way more force than necessary to get the job done. I don't think there are a lot of those people working as police officers, but, as it is with so many things, a few is enough to ruin it for the rest. it is another case where anybody who is not part of the solution is part of the problem - and there ain't many folks who are part of the solution. |
|
|
|
Post by the light works on Jul 16, 2015 15:28:29 GMT
the policeman was at the end of his shift, when he saw a person speeding. he turned on his lights and attempted to pull the person over, but the person tried to flee. finally, the fleeing motorist gave up and pulled over.
the officer walked up to the car and said, "before you say anything, everybody has an excuse and I have heard a lot of them, but if you can come up with an excuse I have never heard before, I will let you off with a warning."
the driver thought a moment and then said, "sir, two years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"have a nice day, sir; keep the speed down."
|
|
|
|
Post by c64 on Jul 17, 2015 12:09:28 GMT
 How much?
€90
That's OK, hop in! |
|
|
|
Post by ponytail61 on Jul 19, 2015 18:16:54 GMT
Husband and wife are shopping in Safeway when the man picks up a dozen bottles of bud lite and sticks it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on special, only $10 for 12 bottles," he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies, "So does 12 bottles of bud lite... And it's half the price!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Jul 21, 2015 1:28:18 GMT
A dwarf was sitting at a bar drinking a beer when a huge guy walked into the bar went up to the dwarf & gave him a karate chop in the back. The dwarf fell off his bar stool & when he got up the big guy said,
"That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The big guy went to the restroom & the dwarf ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back & karate chopped the dwarf in the back again. The dwarf got up & dusted himself off & the big guy told him,
"That was a karate chop from China!"
The dwarf got up & decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the dwarf comes back to the bar & he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold on the floor. The dwarf tells the bartender,
"When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!"
|
|
|
|
Post by silverdragon on Jul 21, 2015 7:16:05 GMT
Schrödinger was pulled over for speeding...
Whilst the copper was writing the ticket, he asks the guy "Whats in the boot?.."
A Cat.
I need to check that, open the boot will you?...
The boot was opened, "Sir, your cat is dead".
"Well, it is now"
|
|
|
|
Post by c64 on Jul 21, 2015 10:09:26 GMT
At The Scientist Party Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction. Einstein thought it was a relatively good time. Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing. Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway. Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone. Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding. Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split. Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself. Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events. Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once. Volt thought the social had a lot of potential. Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it. Heisenberg may or may not have been there. The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time. van der Waals forced himeself to mingle. Wien radiated a colourful personality. Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing. de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved. Hollerith liked the hole idea. Stefan and Boltzmann got into some hot debates. Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality. Compton was a little scatter-brained at times. Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache. Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker. Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute. Faraday had quite a capacity for food. Oppenheimer got bombed. Crick and Watson wound everyone up Pascal and Pythagoras both got caught up in a love triangle Planck's attitude was constant Nobel said that the party went with a bang. Edison lit the party up Brunel beat everyone at bridge Boyle read the paper, but worried the party would be too base for his tastes. Einstein said he would go if there was no dice-playing. Socrates questioned whether he would be able to attend. Hawking said he could if it were in his light-cone. Murphy said that something would probably go wrong anyway. |
|
|
|
Post by GTCGreg on Jul 22, 2015 12:18:11 GMT
A man appears before a judge for shoplifting. The judge asked the prosecutor, "What did he take?" The prosecutor replies, "A can of peaches." "How many peaches were in the can?", the judge asks. "Five", replies the prosecutor. "Then I sentence you to five days in jail", the judge tells the man. At that point, the man's wife jumps up and runs over to the prosecutor. She whispers, "Tell him about the can of peas."
|
|
|
|
Post by ponytail61 on Aug 11, 2015 22:12:49 GMT
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
|
|
|
|
Post by the light works on Aug 12, 2015 0:23:07 GMT
we had a stage manager who was raised catholic - and most of the jokes she told were decidedly NSFW, but this one is borderline enough to post.
two nuns walked into a liquor store and asked for a pint bottle of brandy.
the proprietor, knowing the prohibition against strong drink, tried to refuse them, but the nuns said, "it's okay, it's for mother superior's constipation."
so the proprietor sold them the bottle.
at closing time the proprietor noticed the two nuns sitting on a bench outside the store, the bottle was empty, and the nuns were completely drunk.
"hey," said the proprietor, "you said that brandy was for mother superior's constipation."
"you bet it is," giggled one of the nuns, "and when she sees us, she is gonna S***"
|
|
|
|
Post by OziRiS on Aug 31, 2015 4:39:01 GMT
A koala was sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."
So, the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river. When he got there, the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. "What's the matter with you?" he asked the lizard.
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile had to check this out, so he walked into the forest and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
The koala looked down at him, widened his eyes and went, "Holy crap, dude!!! How much water did you drink?!"
|
|
|
|
Post by OziRiS on Aug 31, 2015 4:47:50 GMT
The married men among you will find this one both funny and sad  A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes," says the man. "And what have you decided?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops." |
|
|
|
Post by OziRiS on Aug 31, 2015 5:01:05 GMT
A little NSFW, but I'll censor it to make it work. It's worth it You know how, when you go to the doctor's, the receptionist always asks you why you're there and you have to tell her what's wrong with you in front of everyone else in the waiting room? There's nothing worse than having to say out loud in front of a bunch of strangers why you're there to see the doctor! Depending on why you're there, it can be really embarrassing! I know most of us have experienced it, so you're going to love how this old guy handled it! A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room at the doctor's and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes, Sir? What are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied. The receptionist became red in the face and very annoyed and said, "Sir, you shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not?" asked the old man. "You asked me what was wrong and I told you." The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "Well, you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he'd taken her advice. "And what's wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't p*ss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. |
|
|
|
Post by the light works on Sept 1, 2015 14:30:49 GMT
a man walked into the doctor's office.
the receptionist asked him, "what do you have?"
"shingles" the man replied.
the receptionist told him to have a seat and wait.
a nurse called the man back to an exam room. "what do you have?" she asked.
"shingles" the man replied.
she asked him to wait for the doctor.
finally, the doctor came in. "what do you have?" he asked.
"shingles" the man replied.
"where?" asked the doctor.
"on my truck, where do you want them?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Sept 3, 2015 5:52:58 GMT
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued:
"Pardon me, may I ask what the chicken did?"
|
|
|
|
Post by c64 on Sept 3, 2015 12:46:35 GMT
MY grandma had an African grey. This is a true story!
Birds often sit on a door and stick their head through the crack when the door is only open a crack. My grandma once had decapitated a budgie by closing a door when it had sat on it. So she always panicked when her African Grey sat on a door. She always yelled at it: "Get down! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!"
Whenever my grandma does something the parrot doesn't like, she always had added the sentence "You know that!". E.g. when putting the parrot back into the cage: "Grandma is going for a walk, you need to be in your cage. YOU KNOW THAT!"
Also the bird knew the names and that you can change them. For example, it knew that it can switch its own name with "Grandma".
Also it found out quickly that it can upset my grandma most when talking in a voice like the grim reaper in movies.
Whenever the parrot wants to steal cookies or try to drink coffee or anything it shouldn’t have, she shoos it away and tells it to eat seeds.
Parrots - as almost all animals except humans - have no concept of speech as humans use. A human has a special section in the brain which is dedicated to pick sentences apart and analyse the meaning and to compose sentences out of meanings. Parrots don't have it (although rose chested galas have a minimal capability to alter the pronouncement to actually talk to each other with a very limited probably inherent vocabulary). So parrots can not understand individual words, they only use phrases. E.g. a red-lored amazon imitates raindrops (or the sound of a running tap or a human greedily drinking a glass of water) to announce that they are thirsty. Sentences a parrot learns are phrases the bird associates with something rather simple.
When I had visited my grandma to repair a window, she had to put her parrot into the cage. But the parrot is outside of its cage most of the day and it definitely wasn't time to be in the cage. When my grandma had fixed coffee and biscuits, the bird was really annoyed since it couldn't steal cookies. It sat there throwing bird seed as far out at us as it was able to yelling "EAT BIRD SEED!"
When we sat down to drink coffee, her parrot composed the worst phrases it knew in the most annoying way it could. In the most impressive funereal voice I have ever heard it said: "Grandma, you'll die! AND YOU KNOW THAT!"
|
|
