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Post by the light works on Feb 7, 2017 14:44:21 GMT
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Post by WhutScreenName on Apr 18, 2017 13:03:53 GMT
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Post by Lokifan on May 1, 2017 16:40:15 GMT
Too often, the story of my career:  I'm usually the one saying "You Don't Say." |
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Post by Lokifan on May 1, 2017 16:56:07 GMT
This is possibly the single geekiest joke(?) I've ever read:
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Post by silverdragon on May 17, 2017 10:20:03 GMT
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Post by ponytail61 on Jul 30, 2017 1:46:58 GMT
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman
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Post by GTCGreg on Jul 30, 2017 2:05:42 GMT
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman Na Na Na Na |
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Post by GTCGreg on Jul 30, 2017 2:48:46 GMT
And while we're on chemistry jokes,
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized”.
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Post by the light works on Jul 30, 2017 3:50:03 GMT
And while we're on chemistry jokes, How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized”. the three rules for being a plumber: S#it rolls downhill Payday's Friday Don't lick your fingers. installing insulation is easier, though: only one rule. Wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom. |
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Post by ponytail61 on Jul 30, 2017 4:01:05 GMT
And while we're on chemistry jokes, How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized”. the three rules for being a plumber: S#it rolls downhill Payday's Friday Don't lick your fingers. installing insulation is easier, though: only one rule. Wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom. Don't forget hot on the left cold on the right. Actually had to fix that once. Don't know how the previous plumber f'd that one up. |
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Post by the light works on Jul 30, 2017 14:03:17 GMT
the three rules for being a plumber: S#it rolls downhill Payday's Friday Don't lick your fingers. installing insulation is easier, though: only one rule. Wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom. Don't forget hot on the left cold on the right. Actually had to fix that once. Don't know how the previous plumber f'd that one up. in the house I grew up in, the valve set in the bathtub was backwards. also a light switch was upside down. I can see why the bathtub never got fixed, but looking back on it, I don't know why nobody ever fixed the switch. |
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Post by OziRiS on Sept 8, 2017 6:12:19 GMT
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my Mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’
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Post by ironhold on Sept 20, 2017 5:25:35 GMT
www.seventhsanctum.com/index-writ.phpSeventh Sanctum is a site 100% dedicated to random generators and a few other bits to help writers get ideas and overcome writer's block. The above link is specifically to a page of all sorts of absurd generators, ostensibly so that one can get some writing practice in. Basically, you get some sort of premise you can have fun tinkering with. As hilarious as some of the random prompts are, you should read the comments sections where people try to figure out how to make sense of things. What kind of generators? For example, let's consider their random B-movie title generator: www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=bmovie -> *"King Arthur in New Jersey" *"Pilgramage to Jupiter" *"The Luscious Sergeant Taylor" Yeah...
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Post by ironhold on Sept 26, 2017 12:24:01 GMT
"This program is brought to you by Carlito's Whey Protein Shakes. Carlito's Whey. So good, it's almost criminal."
"This program is brought to you by Travolta Vehicle Lubricants. When you think of grease, think Travolta."
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Post by the light works on Sept 26, 2017 14:53:56 GMT
from a stand up comedian many years ago: "now showing, from Hoover Pictures. remember: if it's a Hoover, it sucks"
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Post by WhutScreenName on Sept 28, 2017 14:21:02 GMT
Some gems from Colin Mochrie  |
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Post by OziRiS on Sept 29, 2017 15:02:10 GMT
I've suffered from insomnia for most of my life and when 4am rolls around, my brain still technically works, but just not all that well...
When I reach that point, I start contemplating questions that I think are philosophical and highly existential in nature at the time, but it doesn't take a lot of scrutiny to come to the conclusion that they're really just weird!
Questions like:
Of all people, shouldn't a Tupperware salesman be able to put a lid on it?
If you want to swat fireflies, would it be best to use a wet newspaper?
Is plastic surgery performed with surgical instruments from Fisher Price?
Do people with buns of steel have to stay away from strong magnets?
Does Iron Man wear steel wool underwear...?
If you're gay and you work at Ikea, would you ever come out of the closet?
If you're not that into loud music, could you get yourself a quietspeaker?
Can you develop dust allergies by sweeping too much under the rug?
When a mortician dies, is he finally done with his education?
If you wrap a sheep in plastic, has it been lambinated?
Does the instrument you use to set things on fire with called a "lighter" have a fire extinguishing opposite called a "heavier"?
Do electricians go to formal events wearing cable ties? And do archers wear bow ties, or would they consider that mixing business with pleasure?
If an Eskimo has a house warming party, does he have to move again?
How far South does a polar bear have to travel before it loses its polar credentials and becomes a regular bear?
If you choked a smurf, what color would its face turn?
If you milk a cow with Parkinson's Disease, would you get milkshake?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Do cotton fields shrink when it rains?
When a prostitute gets sick, does she spend a couple of days OUT of bed?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
Do chickens find rubber people amusing?
Why is it called a boxing ring when it's square?
If someone who plays piano professionally is called a pianist, why isn't a professional race car driver called a racist?
Do burn victims get a discount at the crematorium?
If a person who suffers from split personality threatens to commit suicide, could it be considered a hostage situation?
If there are life jackets under the seats in airplanes, do submarines have parachutes?
Would it be considered a success if a book about failure didn't sell well?
Why is it called "rush hour" when everyone is driving really slowly?
If a mommy bird and her chick both have bulimia, will they ever finish eating?
Is infertility hereditary?
Could you ever really prove Murphy's Law, or would it just go horribly wrong at the worst possible time?
Could you imagine a world without hypothetical questions?
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Post by silverdragon on Sept 30, 2017 6:38:24 GMT
OUT!>>>> You cannot bury that joke here, the graveyard is full.
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Post by the light works on Sept 30, 2017 6:43:21 GMT
OUT!>>>> You cannot bury that joke here, the graveyard is full. you have something against sheep jokes? do dyed in the wool punsters get under your skin? |
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Post by silverdragon on Sept 30, 2017 6:47:09 GMT
You know I have a mind of useless information?.. well, I can answer that. Evolution of language.
Skating Rink.
Yeah, they are often square as well.
A Rink is a place designated for certain activities, sometimes with a barrier to mark out the area?.
Wikapedia has some humour on the matter...
However, the name boxing Rink has changed over the centuries to now be "ring", because people miss-pronounced the K, and back then when it didnt matter, it all sounds the same?.
Also, the boxing Rink wasnt always square, it can be circular, its just modern "Rules" stated the thing had to be of certain size and the ropes needed to be tight?.
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