Share a Joke

how to tell the difference:

a military engineer builds weapons.
a civil engineer builds targets.

I know these have been around the email circuit for a while but some of you may not have seen them.

The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays. Don't know if that's true but some are pretty funny.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary track infection.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

28. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

I don't care where they were taken from! Some of those are effin' brilliant! I haven't laughed that hard for ages!

Thanks. I really needed that

Numbers 5, 12, 20 and 25 made me laugh the most

Looks like a case of plagiarism from the math book.

in keeping with the special forces topic in another thread:

Q: why do (insert local special forces soldiers here) make lousy lovers?
A: because they've been trained to get in, get the job done, and get out without anyone knowing they've been there.

There was an ambulance driver who radioed to dispatch another one because he can't reach the accident side due to a broken rear-view mirror. When asked why he let himself stop by a broken mirror, he replied "The truck is laying on top of the mirror..."

The THW technical equipment truck my dad used to command had a "drawer" with a very heavy anvil installed. One day they were training rescuing people in the catacombs of an abandoned factory. When they were done, they left in a hurry. The "drawer" with the anvil wasn't locked so in a fast and tight turn, the anvil busted through its door, broke free and fell into a deep cable tunnel. They had tried to get it back but the access shaft of the cable tunnel was way too deep and narrow so they were unable to tie a rope to the anvil to pull it back up. They tried everything and had to give up.
This was right before my dad was on a 3-week vacation ¹).
When he had returned, the anvil was back on his truck. He asked his crew how they had managed to retrieve the anvil. His director of materials said: "We couldn't. I just ordered a new one!". "But how? They don't even approve new batteries for our electric lanterns! ²)" - "Oh, I just filled out a report that we need a new anvil because the old one was worn out."

¹) Every year, my dad filled his Renault R4 with cheap paint pigments at the local paint factory, then drove to the French embassy to collect his friend Pierre and they drove to France where Pierre lives. At the border, Pierre simply presented a large scroll with a huge wax seal at the bottom to prevent the border guards looking into the car. Near Pierre's home, there was a small canoe factory. They gave them the pigments which were highly expensive in France for some money and for using their tools. Then my dad who was a carpenter constructed a wooden mold and built two canoes. The mold was also sold to the factory and then my dad and Pierre went canoeing for the rest of the holiday. Then they sold the canoes and filled the car with French specialities and returned back to Germany. So the holidays of my dad were not only for free, he funded his own kitchen showroom and carpenter shop with his vacations. And the wine cellar of the carpenter shop was very impressive!

²) Back then they had to use magnesium torches. The trucks were all equipped with lots of them and you could use as many as you like any time since they "grow back overnight". The authorities never approved new batteries for their !§$% lanterns, but those magnesium torches were replaced in unlimited quantities.
Fun fact: The electric lanterns eventually did get new batteries and were passed to the local fire fighters who really hated them. They were regularly passed on to smaller stations many times.
30 years later, they arrived in a small volunteer fire department of a small village where one of them was accidentally dropped into a sewer during a drill within the first week. The rest was destroyed trying to retrieve the first one. Well, the sewer was dark and the lanterns didn't change that so accidents had to happen.

a fishing boat ran aground on an offshore island, stranding the fishing group. the boat had a dinghy but it broke loose and fetched up on a sandbar just across a channel. to make matters worse a school of sharks somehow sensed the plight of the people and were milling around in the channel. The captain of the boat said, "don't worry, folks. I can swim across and as long as I don't splash around the sharks will leave me alone."
unfortunately, he was wrong and the sharks tore him to pieces halfway across.
one of the passengers stepped up and said, "I'm ex special forces, and I think I can fight off the sharks and make it across."
unfortunately, he, too, was wrong.
after a long while, a fat, middle aged, lawyer spoke up and said, "I think I can make it safely across."
everybody watched as he waded out into the channel and began to laboriously paddle his way across. to their amazement, rather than tear him apart, the sharks formed lines and escorted him across the channel. finally the lawyer rowed the dinghy back, to see the entire crowd staring at him in amazement.
"what," he said, "haven't you ever seen professional courtesy before?"

Two goldfish swimming about in their tank.
One turns to the other...
"How do you drive this thing anyway?.."