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Post by OziRiS on Oct 24, 2014 20:19:14 GMT
Customer in the pet shop: "Do you have a parrot? Shop assistant: "No, but we have a Woodpecker." Customer: "Can it talk?" Shop assistant: "No, but it can morse!" Or the variation on that one: Customer comes into a petshop and asks the owner: "Do you have a woodpecker?" Owner: "Why, yes I do." Customer: "Then you'd better stay away from the termites if you ever want kids!" *BA-DUM TSCH*  |
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Post by OziRiS on Oct 28, 2014 0:13:14 GMT
Was just rummaging around my c: drive, curious about some programs that I haven't actively installed, when I came across a folder called "CanonBJ". Couldn't help but think, "Now there's something that sounds like an extremely bad idea!" |
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Post by GTCGreg on Nov 2, 2014 15:06:58 GMT
An Indian (Native American) joke.
The little Indian boy goes to his uncle, brave Running Bear and asks; "Brave Running Bear, how do we get our Indian names?" Running Bear replies; "You know, I'm not really sure. But if you ask Chief Soaring Eagle, I'm sure he'll know the answer to your question."
So the little brave goes to Chief Soaring Eagle and asks; "Chief Soaring Eagle, how do we get our Indian names?" The Chief says; "I can answer that question. When a new Indian brave is born, the first thing his parents see when they come out of their tepee is what they name their new baby. But why do you ask, Little Pooping Dog?"
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Post by the light works on Nov 2, 2014 15:35:28 GMT
The worst ethnic joke ever: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman,
a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a New Englander,
an Argentinean, a Dane, several Americans (including a southerner,
and a Californian ), an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese,
a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian,
an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan,
a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean,
a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,
a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian,
a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner,
a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian,
a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander,
a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian,
a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian,
a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani,
a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese,
an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian,
a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the maître d',
"but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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Post by OziRiS on Jan 20, 2015 23:44:10 GMT
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up to the window.
Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Post by the light works on Jan 21, 2015 16:33:48 GMT
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up to the window. Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." I know that didn't actually happen, because if it was real their sign would have said " Have you tried turning it off and then back on again?" |
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Post by GTCGreg on Jan 21, 2015 17:12:50 GMT
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it up to the window. Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." I know that didn't actually happen, because if it was real their sign would have said " Have you tried turning it off and then back on again?" A year or so ago, I was listening to communications between the ground and the ISS. The space station crew was having problems with one of their computer routers and asked the ground controller what to do. After about a half hour of consulting with their "experts", ground control told the astronauts to try cycling the power off and on. That took care of the problem. Got to wonder how much NASA paid for that router. |
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Post by the light works on Jan 22, 2015 1:34:10 GMT
I know that didn't actually happen, because if it was real their sign would have said " Have you tried turning it off and then back on again?" A year or so ago, I was listening to communications between the ground and the ISS. The space station crew was having problems with one of their computer routers and asked the ground controller what to do. After about a half hour of consulting with their "experts", ground control told the astronauts to try cycling the power off and on. That took care of the problem. Got to wonder how much NASA paid for that router. the problem is that software engineers tend to be a bit on the sloppy side. software tends to allocate resources and open ports and then not bother closing the ports or de-allocating the resources. rebooting closes all the open ports and releases all the reserved resources. |
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Post by GTCGreg on Jan 22, 2015 4:21:22 GMT
A year or so ago, I was listening to communications between the ground and the ISS. The space station crew was having problems with one of their computer routers and asked the ground controller what to do. After about a half hour of consulting with their "experts", ground control told the astronauts to try cycling the power off and on. That took care of the problem. Got to wonder how much NASA paid for that router. the problem is that software engineers tend to be a bit on the sloppy side. software tends to allocate resources and open ports and then not bother closing the ports or de-allocating the resources. rebooting closes all the open ports and releases all the reserved resources. Well, you certainly don't want to leave ports open on the space station. Nor on a submarine for that matter. |
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Post by the light works on Jan 22, 2015 5:06:20 GMT
the problem is that software engineers tend to be a bit on the sloppy side. software tends to allocate resources and open ports and then not bother closing the ports or de-allocating the resources. rebooting closes all the open ports and releases all the reserved resources. Well, you certainly don't want to leave ports open on the space station. Nor on a submarine for that matter. correct submarine procedure: count the number of times you go down. count the number of times you come up. divide by 2. if you get a decimal, don't open the hatch. |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Jan 23, 2015 7:50:33 GMT
Ok I got sent this on Facebook & thought you'd all find it funny. (I'm currently trying to make an International version of this joke.)
If the United States were a high school students, the type of kid would each state be.
Alabama is the kid who chews tobacco has a truck with a gun rack and wears a baseball hat all the time. He plays the banjo in a bluegrass band with Kentucky, Arkansas and Missouri.
Alaska is the fat kid who has a beard at the beginning of freshman year, who wears flannel, and gets A's in shop class.
Arizona is the girl who always feels like she's in California's shadow, and tends to sleep around a bit to be noticed.
Arkansas is the kid who drops out by sophomore year.
California is a set of twins - a girl and a boy. The girl is the cheerleader who acts nice to other people but as soon as they leave she talks crap about them behind their back. She wears only brand name clothes and drives a 3 series BMW. While her brother on the other hand is just so high he doesn't care. He drives his VW bus to school after a nice surf session and wears tanks tops, flip flops, board shorts and an old bright coloured hat he found in a box of his dad's old things.
Colorado is the kid everyone knows is a genius, but doesn't try because he would rather be smoking pot.
Connecticut is the rich kid who wears pastel shirts and shorts, mid calves, and plays lacrosse.
Delaware is the quiet kid nobody knows about until there are all these crazy news stories about the crazy things he's done.
Florida is the crazy kid who does a lot of drugs, but is still someone you wouldn't mind hanging out with sometimes.
Georgia is the weird older kid who won't shut up about his truck.
Hawaii is the kid who never wears shoes and wears their bathing suit under their clothes.
Idaho is that lone kid that everyone kinda stays away from, doesn't trust, and wears the same jacket every day to school. Everybody kinda has the suspicion that he's armed.
Illinois grew up with and is from the same neighbourhood as Iowa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. They were all friend but once they got to high school, Illinois got all popular and acts like a d-bag, telling the other three they're losers and hicks, even though he/she is from the same hood and they're similar people.
Indiana is the Future Farmer of America kid.
Iowa would be the misunderstood kid that girls didn't appreciate until they got much older.
Kansas is the kid who on the first day of class, picks a seat somewhere in the middle of the room. Kansas is a rather quiet student, very average. Sometimes, Kansas gets the right answer when the teacher calls on him. Sometimes, Kansas gets the wrong answer. Then, the topic of evolution comes up in science class. And Kansas stands up in the middle of class and yells "BULL----!" at the top of his lungs. Then he sits back down, arms crossed over his chest, glowering at the teacher. The next day, Kansas acts like nothing happened. He doesn't talk about the incident unless someone brings it up first. He's still cool, but all the kids think he's a little weird. That's Kansas. The quiet, ultra-conservative kid who tries to get along most of the time, but just snaps every so often.
Kentucky is the girl who has the unhealthy obsession with horses.
Louisiana is that crazy kid you made the mistake of hanging out with that one time. You stole a boat, made out with his sister and wound up walking back to town the next day at noon. Everyone knows hanging out with Louisiana will eventually get you arrested or killed.
Maine is the kid everyone forgets about as soon as graduation rolls around.
Maryland is that girl who definitely isn't hot, but definitely isn't ugly.
Massachusetts is that Irish kid with an IQ of 180 and social skills that enable him to get along well with adults but aren't quite good enough to let him realize that showing off how smart he is isn't a good way to make friends among his peers.
Michigan is the kid with divorced parents where the one parent is really well off while the other is in crippling poverty, who occasionally stays with his insane extended family.
Minnesota is the girl who hangs around with Indiana and Pennsylvania. She loves sports and talking about snow and has a boyfriend at another school (Canada).
Mississippi is the kid in the corner eating glue, again.
Missouri is the school's meth dealer.
Montana is that massive kid on the football team who looks scary, but is actually nice.
Nebraska is the farm kid (obviously) who wears Carhart jacket, work boots and John Deere hat to school year round.
Nevada is the girl who snorts coke in the bathroom during lunch.
New Hampshire is the freedom of speech, protest geek. Live free or die!
New Jersey is that kid whose sarcasm was so advanced that people couldn't tell if he was kidding. He would also have a strong affinity for sand, red sauce, an avarice for idiot politics, and is a badass.
New Mexico is the kid that always gets stuck doing projects with Arizona and Texas, even though he hates both (especially Texas). He transferred from another school early freshman year, but is still harassed for being on school ground without a visitor's pass. He's finally taken to wearing a letterman's jacket, yet teachers still search his backpack for drugs every now and then.
New York is the super flamboyant city kid that no one realizes actually lives on a farm.
North Carolina is the slightly redneck kid that most people still like.
North Dakota is the kid in the yearbook that you say, "Who's that, does he go here?"
Ohio is the kid that no one cares about but somehow gets voted class president. Probably because he voted for himself a thousand times.
Oklahoma is the very conservative kid who always smells a little bit like manure due to living on a cattle farm.
Oregon is that white kid with dreadlocks, sandals, and a tye dye shirt.
Pennsylvania is the kid that everybody thinks is a hipster, but is just Amish.
Rhode Island is the really short kid that people forget about and ask, "Hey, are you a freshman?" even though he's a senior.
South Carolina is the momma's boy.
South Dakota is the kid who hates his twin brother wants him to go to a different school so he will be the only Dakota in school.
Tennessee is the kid that skips school to go hunting in the Fall and fishing in the Spring.
Texas is the captain of the football team. He will also grow up to be one fat son of a {female canine} who will tell anyone willing to listen how he was THIS close to the NFL.
Utah is that overly religious kid who is always trying to 'Share' his views on religion with peers - much to their annoyance.
Vermont is the artsy kid whose parents own a kale farm.
Virginia is the kid whose mother's side of the family is rich and involved in politics, and whose father's side spends all their time hunting, fishing, and drinking. He is that kid that drives a nice car to school and has the latest tech-toy, but wears camo pants and talks about hunting all the time.
Washington is the kid who's cool enough to roll with the cool kids, but not too cool to hang out with the weird kids.
West Virginia is the kid that got held back too many times, but is freaking awesome since he could drive in the eighth grade.
Wisconsin/b] is that weird kid who smells like cheese.
Wyoming is the emo/Goth kid because he's so empty inside.
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Post by silverdragon on Jan 23, 2015 9:28:44 GMT
Saw this on fake-book, cant link as its rude, but....
I hate it when the voices in my head go quiet...
You can never tell what the [gits] are planning to do next...
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Post by the light works on Jan 23, 2015 15:14:54 GMT
America is the kid with a gun rack in his truck, and goes bossing all the "uncool" kids around.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jan 23, 2015 15:58:53 GMT
Connecticut is the rich kid who tries to boss around those in charge but is just overcompensating for the fact that he is an overweight computer geek. It believes "slumming it" means staying in a standard room instead of a suite at the Hilton.
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Post by GTCGreg on Jan 23, 2015 16:13:38 GMT
We left out D.C.
Washington DC is the bully that knocks you down, steals your lunch money and then tells you how great he is because he helped you get back up.
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Post by OziRiS on Jan 23, 2015 19:07:48 GMT
And then there's Canada. If America walks into him and knocks his lunch tray out of his hands in the cafeteria, Canada apologizes.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jan 23, 2015 20:06:45 GMT
And then there's Canada. If America walks into him and knocks his lunch tray out of his hands in the cafeteria, Canada apologizes. One day, two explorers were sitting around trying to decide what to name the land they had just discovered: #1: "I think it should start with C" #2: "aye" #1: "Then, there should be an N" #2: "aye" #1: "And maybe a D" #2: "aye" #1: "You mean C-A-N-A-D-A?" #2: "sounds good" |
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Post by silverdragon on Jan 24, 2015 8:49:37 GMT
And the Hawaiian kid who doesnt care what it is as long as you can cook it on the barb-que.
After they finished surfing, of course....
Or hang flowers on it.
Or do his Mums special marinade sauce.
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Post by c64 on Jan 25, 2015 11:53:04 GMT
And then there's Canada. If America walks into him and knocks his lunch tray out of his hands in the cafeteria, Canada apologizes. One day, two explorers were sitting around trying to decide what to name the land they had just discovered: #1: "I think it should start with C" #2: "aye" #1: "Then, there should be an N" #2: "aye" #1: "And maybe a D" #2: "aye" #1: "You mean C-A-N-A-D-A?" #2: "sounds good" In Germany, we have a much more obvious idea why. In the local tongue of Cologne, it sounds exactly like "nobody-there" |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Jan 27, 2015 9:16:30 GMT
America is the kid with a gun rack in his truck, and goes bossing all the "uncool" kids around. LOL! Can I use that one please!?! |
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