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Post by c64 on Jan 30, 2013 12:12:47 GMT
*CENSORED* as in US American beer is like making love in a canoe - *CENSORED* close to water? What are the Germans doing with their beer? Thinning it down until it's almost but not quite like pure water is something we don't do! |
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jan 30, 2013 14:09:00 GMT
Lex Of Sydney Australia: I try  Beer made in the US is highly centered around ales & pale ales. Some US breweries, such as Sam Adams, may on occasion release a brew that the bottle claims is a porter, stout, or lager; but, is really only halfway there. The European breweries, on the other hand, have many more years experience in brewing and understand how to make a proper brew. A US brewery will never be able to recreate the smoothness of a Guiness.
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Post by cijay on Jan 31, 2013 2:25:10 GMT
I think my favourite riddle came from the old board.
What do you give to the woman who has everything?
Penicillan.
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Post by unavailable on Jan 31, 2013 3:46:32 GMT
What do tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nuthin', you done told her twice.
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Post by cijay on Jan 31, 2013 6:56:56 GMT
Okay, so there was this really harsh boss at a construction site. One day, one of the workers slipped on the saw and cut off his arm. "No excuse!" the boss said, bundled the arm in a bag of ice, took the guy to a hospital. The doctor re-attached the arm and the boss said he was expecting the guy back to work the next day. Miraculously, he was good as new.
Next day another guy slipped and cut his leg off. "No excuse!" the boss said, bundled the leg up in a bag of ice and took the guy to the hospital. The doctor re-attached the leg and the boss said he was expecting the guy back to work the next day. Miraculously, he was.
Third day, another guy slipped and cut his head off. "No excuse!" the boss said, bundled the head up in a bag of ice and took the guy to the hospital where the doctor declared him dead. "No excuse!" the boss repeated. "You need to attach his head so he can go back to work."
"I can't." the doctor said. "You suffocated him when you put his head in a bag."
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Post by Lonewolf on Feb 1, 2013 14:40:05 GMT
A guy is driving home from work when his wife calls and says "Be careful dear! I just saw on the news that some idiot is driving the wrong way on the freeway!".
The husband replies "It's not just one! It's hundreds of them!".
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Post by Lonewolf on Feb 1, 2013 14:47:31 GMT
Cijay's reminded me of this one.
A guy and his buddy are out hunting when he accidentally shoots the friend. He gets the guy to the truck and rushes him to the hospital where the doc takes one look and declares the victim dead. The shooter is filled with remorse and starts crying about killing his best friend.
The doc then comments "Well, the wound wasn't that bad and I could have probably saved him if you hadn't field dressed him".
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Post by c64 on Feb 1, 2013 14:49:38 GMT
Parents: "What present would you like for your birthday?"
8-year old son: "A tampon!"
Parents: "(OMG) Why!? Do you even know what it is?"
8-year old son: "No, but according to the commercials, you can ride a bike with it, go swimming, play tennis, …"
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Post by watcher56 on Feb 4, 2013 4:29:05 GMT
Language
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
(Lifted from '1 Sale a Day/Joke of the day')
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Post by OziRiS on Feb 4, 2013 16:47:18 GMT
On a visit to America, the Pope finds his Pope-mobile has broken down after a sermon at a local church. As he needs to get to another church pretty quickly, one of his aides calls a limo company. 10 minutes later, a black limo with tinted windows shows up, ready to drive the Pope to his detination.
The Pope gets in the back and the limo takes off. After a couple of minutes the Pope asks the driver if he can try driving it for a while. The Pope explains that he's a bit of a gearhead and that he's always wanted to drive a limo. After a little concideration time, the driver complies, climbs in the back and lets the Pope take the wheel.
They drive off and the Pope is having a great time. After a while he gets bored and wants to see what this puppy can really do, so he finds the nearest on-ramp for the freeway and he lets it rip! The driver in the back of the limo gets concerned and after debating back and forth with himself for a while, he decides to tell the Pope to slow down a bit, since this area is heavily patrolled by the police. The Pope ignores him and sure enough, 5 minutes later he gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop gets out of his car, walks up to the drivers' side window and motions for the driver to roll it down. When he sees who's inside, he straightens up, says: "Just a minute, Sir." and walks back to his police car. He picks up his radio and calls the station. The following correspondance then takes place:
Cop: "Dispatch, this is 11 KING 6, can I get the chief on the horn?"
Dispatch: "One moment..."
Chief: "What's up Ron?"
Cop: "Sir, I've just pulled over a really important person for speeding and I need to know what to do."
Chief: "Oh no, it's not the mayor again is it? I told him to slow down the last time 'round!"
Cop: "Nope, I'm afraid it's someone WAY more important, sir."
Chief: "Congessman?"
Cop: "Nope. More important than that too."
Chief: "Ron... Have you pulled over the president?"
Cop: "No, Sir. I'm afraid it's someone even more important..."
Chief: "Well for Christ's sake Ron, who is it?!"
Cop: "I'm not quite sure, Sir, but he MUST be important! His driver is the Pope!"
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Post by c64 on Feb 4, 2013 17:55:19 GMT
Language One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. (Lifted from '1 Sale a Day/Joke of the day') Too true although my government would go for a 30 years lease without buy option! Once 3m² of my property belonged to another council and I had to pay separate tax to this council. Then came the government and bought the place behind my backyard, erected buildings and didn't install a proper fire rescue path. To build one, they needed my special 3m² and offered a 30 years lease which was the only option they could offer. Fortunately they were desperate enough to trade my rather unwanted 3m² with the 5m² at the side of my yard so now I officially own the wall of my yard and the 4th wall of my house! |
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Post by OziRiS on Feb 8, 2013 23:20:13 GMT
This one is balancing on the edge of what's allowed here, but looking at some of the pictures that have passed muster in the "Funny pictures and captions" thread, I'm hoping for a little extra rope here....
Confusious re-examined:
1) Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
2) Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
3) Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
4) Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
5) Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
6) Girl who sit on jockeys' lap get hot tip, girl who sit on judges' lap get honourable discharge.
7) Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
8) Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
9) Squirrel who run up womans' leg will not find nuts.
10) Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
11) Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
12) Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
13) Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
14) War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
15) Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
16) Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17) Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18) Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19) Man who fish in other mans' well often catch crabs.
20) A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Feb 9, 2013 1:55:01 GMT
You forgot one:
21) Man who farts in church sits in own pew
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Post by c64 on Feb 9, 2013 17:11:16 GMT
Today on the radio:
In a fast food restaurant:
Man: "French fries, please!"
Assistant: "Would you like something on top of the fries?"
Man: "That depends, does it cost anything extra?"
Assistant: "50 cents"
Man: "In this case, I'd like a steak on top of my fries, please!"
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Mar 1, 2013 8:34:49 GMT
A message from the management of the Globe Theatre London:
Due to the recent discovery of the remains of Richard the III in a Leicester car park next to a funeral home, it has been decided that in all future preformances of Richard III by William Shakespeare. The famous final line of “A horse a horse my kingdom for a horse!” will be replaced with the following line of “A hearse a hearse my kingdom for a hearse!”
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Post by silverdragon on Mar 1, 2013 8:37:26 GMT
I thought it was "A Horse a Horse my Kingdom for a Tesco Burger"..........
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Mar 1, 2013 8:41:16 GMT
Dragon that is both totally groan worthy & funny at the same time. I salute you! ;D
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Mar 7, 2013 3:21:59 GMT
{Get ready to groan...}
If chocolate chip cookies contain chocolate chips & peanut butter cookies contain peanut butter...
...get ready for it...
...what do Girl Scout cookies contain?
{Now for a bigger groan...}
Brings new meaning to our friends across the Big Pond asking for a Bloody cookie...
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Post by watcher56 on Mar 7, 2013 4:41:28 GMT
Pfft, that's nothing.
If corn oil is made out of corn, and
olive oil is made out of olives.....
What is baby oil made out of?
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Mar 7, 2013 4:48:00 GMT
It's best to ring the baby out right after it's had a bath...
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