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Post by c64 on Jun 12, 2013 19:09:03 GMT
Brings new meaning to our friends across the Big Pond asking for a Bloody cookie... Reminds me about the old joke about bad English skills. We use the term "blutig" = bloody instead of rare for a steak. (Yes, I know that the red juice isn't actual blood, if it's blood, the butcher had made a horrible mistake). Ger. guest: "I want a bloody steak!" UK waiter: "Certainly, would you like some f*ck*ng potatoes, too?" |
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 12, 2013 19:11:20 GMT
Classic!  |
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Post by c64 on Jun 12, 2013 19:30:09 GMT
Classic! It's a quite recent commercial. The absolute classic is this banned commercial: Click on your own risk |
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 13, 2013 16:45:59 GMT
It may be a recent commercial, but the joke is a classic. First time I heard it was back in the beginning of the 90's.
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Post by ponytail61 on Jun 16, 2013 21:09:07 GMT
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 18, 2013 9:20:29 GMT
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off!
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 18, 2013 9:31:49 GMT
A very obese woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a t-shirt that says: "Watch out! I'm a maneater!"
A man walks up to her and says: "Excuse me sweetie, about your t-shirt slogan...?"
The woman angrily replies: "Let me guess... You want to know how many men I've eaten? You think I chose to be this big?!"
Man: "No, that actually wasn't what I was going to say at all..."
The woman calms down a bit, smiles and says: "Oh... Well, what did you want to say then?"
Man: "That's not how you spell manatee."
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 18, 2013 9:35:02 GMT
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**sed!
She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob is still missing.
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 18, 2013 11:43:18 GMT
A little bit on the dirty side, but not too much:
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You should change you hair style. It makes your nose look too long."
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 18, 2013 12:26:45 GMT
This is borderline too, but just too funny to pass up!!!
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 26, 2013 22:28:34 GMT
9-year old Luke comes home from school and has a question for his dad.
Luke: "Dad, the teacher used a word today that I didn't understand."
Dad: "What's the word?"
Luke: "Potentially. I get that it's not the same as "actually", but it's not the opposite either. So what does it mean?"
Dad: "Tell you what. You go ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for the same amount. Then come back here and tell me what their answers are and I'll explain it to you.
Luke does what he's told, comes back to his dad and says: "They both said they would."
Dad: "Okay, here goes... Potentially, we have 2 million dollars. Actually, we live with two prostitutes. Did that help?"
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 26, 2013 23:56:39 GMT
Back to the nudist colony...
Who's the luckiest man at the nudist colony?
The one who can hold a dozen doughnuts without using his hands.
Who's the luckiest woman at the nudist colony?
The one who gets to eat the last doughnut.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 27, 2013 0:01:02 GMT
One day a man and his young son are walking down the street and boy hears a *beep beep beep* sounds.
The son asks: "What's that sound daddy?"
The man replies: "That's sound means a large truck is backing up."
The man & his son go into a bank and are waiting behind a portly woman in line. Suddenly, the woman's beeper starts beeping.
The son exclaims: "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!"
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Post by c64 on Jun 28, 2013 8:49:09 GMT
9-year old Luke comes home from school and has a question for his dad. Luke: "Dad, the teacher used a word today that I didn't understand." Dad: "What's the word?" Luke: "Potentially. I get that it's not the same as "actually", but it's not the opposite either. So what does it mean?" Dad: "Tell you what. You go ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for the same amount. Then come back here and tell me what their answers are and I'll explain it to you. Luke does what he's told, comes back to his dad and says: "They both said they would." Dad: "Okay, here goes... Potentially, we have 2 million dollars. Actually, we live with two prostitutes. Did that help?" This is like the old relativity joke: The family is eating soup when the son has a question Son: "What does 'relative' mean?" Mom: "the amount of hairs on your dads head is relative few. But if the same amount of hair would be in the soup, it would be relative much!" |
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 2, 2013 0:20:28 GMT
A woman in a red hot air balloon realizes that she's lost. She reduces her altitude and spots a man on the ground. She goes down a little further and then calls out to the man: "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man answers: "You're in a red hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level at 55º41´47” north and 10º12´47” west."
"You must be a technician", answered the woman.
"I am," said the man, "but how did you know that?"
"Well..." said the woman. "Everything you just said may be technically correct, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the information. The fact is that I still don't know where I am and the only thing you've done is delay me even further."
The man on the ground answered: "You must be a politician."
"I am," said the woman, "but how did you know that?"
"Simple." said the man. "You have no idea where you are or where you're going, you came up using nothing but hot air, you made a promise you can't keep and you expect people below you to solve your problem for you. The fact is that you're in the exact same situation as you were before you met me, but somehow it's now my fault."
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Aug 6, 2013 13:27:56 GMT
Wining due to a technicality:  I would tell another joke this time about chemistry, but all the good ones argon. |
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Post by ponytail61 on Aug 8, 2013 2:00:31 GMT
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Aug 10, 2013 18:35:28 GMT
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer. God I wish someone would do that to some of the twats I catch the train to work with. We have a paranoid nut job who everyday rants into his phone about some new conspiracy theory. The thing is we all know he’s only using the phone to try & ‘look’ like he’s not crazy because he sometimes get SO involved in his rants that he fails to notice that we’ve entered into a tunnel & that there’s NO RECEPTION in the tunnels to make a call with. Ye Gods I just love public transport - NOT!  |
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 10, 2013 23:25:54 GMT
Ever tapped him on the shoulder just as another passenger is walking through the cart and gone: "DUDE! They're on to you! RUN!!!"? |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Aug 11, 2013 7:30:58 GMT
Ever tapped him on the shoulder just as another passenger is walking through the cart and gone: "DUDE! They're on to you! RUN!!!"? LOL! No. No one’s done anything like that in case he’s dangerous & turns on them, but yesterday a teenage boy (I’d say he was about 15 at the most) chucked a half-eaten apple at the back of his head while he was in the middle of one of his rants. He turned around & DEMANDED to know who did it but no one said a thing – but he was quite for the rest of the trip. When he got off at his stop everyone turned to the boy & congratulated him for doing something we all had wanted to do to that guy for a very long time. Maybe the nutter has FINALLY gotten the message & hopefully when I get on my train on Tuesday he won’t be ranting his brain (what little he has of it) off during my morning commute. |
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