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Post by c64 on Mar 7, 2013 13:31:17 GMT
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 7, 2013 23:37:57 GMT
I'm sure you've all heard this before, but here goes anyway since we're already in groan land:
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more vital than what they reveal.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Mar 8, 2013 14:25:50 GMT
My friend had a good one the other day:
Thongs are like barbed wire fences: They protect the property without blocking the view.
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 9, 2013 17:30:13 GMT
I am SO stealing that one! ;D
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Post by c64 on Apr 17, 2013 19:06:32 GMT
Caution! Very old!
After the USA had won the race to the moon, the Russians decided to send a bunch of cosmonauts and tons of red paint up to paint the moon red as a sign of the superior communism.
What did the USA do? Send someone up with some white paint to write "Coca Cola" on it!
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Post by watcher56 on Apr 19, 2013 0:52:03 GMT
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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Post by WhutScreenName on Jun 6, 2013 15:49:56 GMT
Took me awhile to find this thread as no one has posted new content on it in some time. Heard this one today, and it's a good one  A smart woman There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife. So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket. She said, Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him? I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it. |
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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Jun 7, 2013 14:35:08 GMT
I don't get it. She seems less like a smart woman & more like a dumb one.
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 7, 2013 15:36:01 GMT
She "gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it."
Pretty sure that's a check that isn't getting cashed....ever!
So, technically, she complied with his wishes (putting all the money in the casket); but, in reality, she has all the money for herself
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 7, 2013 22:56:41 GMT
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 8, 2013 0:59:36 GMT
*groan*
That's where I work...technically, it's Yale-New Haven Hospital & Yale University Medical Center (the surrounding medical schools & clinics)
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Post by GTCGreg on Jun 8, 2013 1:09:37 GMT
*groan* That's where I work...technically, it's Yale-New Haven Hospital & Yale University Medical Center (the surrounding medical schools & clinics) So do they really have 2.4 miles of Tygon tubing? |
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 8, 2013 3:06:06 GMT
That's the minimum allowable quantity...
On the other hand, I was talking to a tech replacing some network cable in a ceiling, I believe the building contains over 25 miles of RJ-45...
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Post by c64 on Jun 8, 2013 12:32:24 GMT
That's the minimum allowable quantity... On the other hand, I was talking to a tech replacing some network cable in a ceiling, I believe the building contains over 25 miles of RJ-45... Over here, RJ-45 specifies the connectors, the wiring is specified in CAT. In my house, there's almost half a mile of CAT-5e built in (500m cable drum and 3x 100m boxes used up but plenty of 2…10m "slices" left over)! The main reason are the many detours since most of the wiring runs through old gas pipes and closed chimneys. The wiring is a lot more secure than in the research facility I once had worked for. Those ultra heavy cast iron gas pipes prevent that you can access the wiring silently without breaking the wiring. True, not all cables are used for Ethernet, some are used for RS232 and some are for ISDN or analogue telephone but they all use RJ-45 patch fields and sockets to be versatile. Mixing ISDN, analogue telephone and Ethernet is a bit dicey. The old Ethernet gear blew up when connected to ISDN and the modern stuff still catches fire when mated with analogue phone during an incoming call. |
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Post by The Urban Mythbuster on Jun 9, 2013 1:38:17 GMT
I wish I had decommissioned pipes and chimneys to run my home network cables through...  |
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Post by c64 on Jun 10, 2013 18:22:13 GMT
I wish I had decommissioned pipes and chimneys to run my home network cables through... Just wait until WW3 is over, then you might also have a decommissioned chimney and even lots of holes to run your wiring through |
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Post by GTCGreg on Jun 10, 2013 18:28:50 GMT
Just wait until WW3 is over, then you might also have a decommissioned chimney and even lots of holes to run your wiring through Plus your very own bomb shelter to store all your electronic junk in.  |
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Post by c64 on Jun 11, 2013 6:23:32 GMT
Just wait until WW3 is over, then you might also have a decommissioned chimney and even lots of holes to run your wiring through Plus your very own bomb shelter to store all your electronic junk in. No, all the junk is sitting in the much larger room next to my bunker. But the bunker is great for all kinds of experiments you want to do indoors but you would worry that the house might collapse without the bunker! Also the bunker keeps the noise down for the neighbours. The only problem of the bunker is that it was built long before nuclear bombs were invented so it's rather weak! |
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Post by OziRiS on Jun 12, 2013 16:42:58 GMT
Back in 2002 this was voted the funniest joke in the world. You be the judge Two men are out hunting when one accidentally shoots the other. Frantically, he calls 911: "Quick, you have to help me! I think I've killed my friend!" The operator, trying to calm him says: "Calm down, Sir. Let's first make sure your friend is actually dead." Before the operator gets a chance to say anything else, she hears the phone being put down, then a second of silence, then a gunshot, followed by the man picking the phone back up and saying: "Okay, I'm sure. Now what?" |
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Post by c64 on Jun 12, 2013 19:03:52 GMT
LOL! I know plenty of similar jokes involving guns but those don't fit into an US board. {Get ready to groan...} If chocolate chip cookies contain chocolate chips & peanut butter cookies contain peanut butter... ...get ready for it... ...what do Girl Scout cookies contain? {Now for a bigger groan...} Brings new meaning to our friends across the Big Pond asking for a Bloody cookie... What about Babylotion?  |
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