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Post by Lex Of Sydney Australia on Jul 6, 2016 1:41:56 GMT
Why are there no "Super powers" in England?... There is, its just hard to get noticed when the first words you say are "Excuse me". Its so hard to have a slogan that is your trademark signature when it starts "Pardon me, but..." England? Sounds more like Canada to me....  |
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Post by the light works on Jul 6, 2016 14:40:53 GMT
Why are there no "Super powers" in England?... There is, its just hard to get noticed when the first words you say are "Excuse me". Its so hard to have a slogan that is your trademark signature when it starts "Pardon me, but..." England? Sounds more like Canada to me.... no, canada would be "excuse me, eh?" |
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Post by silverdragon on Jul 7, 2016 7:26:55 GMT
Australia, it would be Nyaaaaaaa.... G'Day mate, she'll be right, nay worries......
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Post by silverdragon on Jul 7, 2016 7:28:54 GMT
Scotland, Crivens, but, see you jimmy, awae hame......but..............
{where 'but' is similar to the Canadian 'eh'....)
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Post by silverdragon on Jul 7, 2016 7:29:48 GMT
Simple kiddies joke that made me chuckle, what do Gay horses eat?..
Haayyyy....
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Post by silverdragon on Jul 7, 2016 7:32:24 GMT
Would a New Zealand Maori Superman have to do the Hakar every time they appear?...
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Post by OziRiS on Jul 8, 2016 22:50:37 GMT
Enough with the superhero jokes. Time to get serious! I got some great advice today that I'd like to pass along to all of you. It worked wonders for me. I was watching TV and this doctor was on. He was talking about how we all need to find some inner peace in order to cope with the stresses of modern day life and said one of the biggest disruptions to inner peace was things we've left unfinished. That made sense to me, so I started looking around my house for things I hadn't finished. As of right now, I've finished a bottle of Shiraz, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of baileys,a bottl of jakD the raminder of valiminum scriptins in teh bahtrooooon an a box of choclutz....U haz no idr how fabuluz i fel rite nowww.send dis to allll yer frenz who need inner pis an telum u luvum lolz  |
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Post by OziRiS on Jul 8, 2016 23:02:06 GMT
An attractive blonde woman from Ireland walked into a Las Vegas casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She told the dealers and all the other guests at the table, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude," and with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers and a couple of guests, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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Post by OziRiS on Jul 8, 2016 23:08:32 GMT
A guy walks into a crowded university library, looking for a place to sit. He walks up to a girl at one of the tables and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replies in a loud voice, "NO, I MOST CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library start staring at the guy. He's truly embarrassed and moves to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walks over to the guy's table and quietly says with a chuckle, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responds in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!!"
All the people in the library look at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispers in her ear, "I study law. I know how to screw people over."
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 22:57:21 GMT
Routine traffic stop:
Officer: "Sir, don't you think it would be a good idea to clear the snow off your windscreen?"
Driver: "Wouldn't help. Forgot my glasses."
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:04:05 GMT
A blonde walks into an autoshop and asks the mechanic, "Could you change my dipstick, please?"
Mechanic: "Sure, but what's wrong with it?"
Blonde: "It doesn't reach all the way down to the oil."
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:18:11 GMT
A couple of quotes from the book ‘Disorder in the American Courts’. These are supposed to be conversations that have actually taken place in American court rooms.
You have to respect the court secretaries who recorded these things without falling out of their chairs laughing!
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*ttin' me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:27:33 GMT
A 3rd grade teacher asked her students the ever relevant question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Leon was quick to answer:
"I wanna be a billionaire, go to the sickest clubs, find myself the hottests ho, give her a million dollar Ferrari, an apartment in Palm Beach, Florida, a big house in Paris, a private jet so she can travel the world in style, a credit card with no limit so she can shop 'til she drops and then I'm gonna make sweet love to her 3 times a day!"
The teacher was horrified at Leon's answer and didn't know what to do with herself. Unable to say anything constructive to little Leon, she decided to go on to the next student as if nothing had happened.
"So, Sarah, what about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sarah: "I wanna be Leon's ho!"
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:32:25 GMT
Q: How much does it cost to get a professional poet to write an obscene poem?
A: It can be really expensive, because you pay per verse
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:39:39 GMT
A Russian, an American and an Irishman are sitting at a bar, having a few drinks and bragging on behalf of their countries.
The Russian: "Mother Russia is best. We were first to send rocket to space!"
The American: "Big deal! We were the first to land a spaceship full of people on the Moon!"
The Irishman: "Big talkers, are we? I'll have you know that we'll be the first to land a spaceship on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American exclaim in unison: "That's impossible! The ship would melt!"
The Irishman: "D'ya think we're idiots?! We'll be landing at night!"
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 11, 2016 23:58:18 GMT
A young soldier at the front lines gets a letter from his girlfriend back home. She says it's over between them because she can't handle the long distance and not knowing whether he's coming home alive. Besides, she's been unfaithful twice since he's been gone. She ends the letter with a, "P.S. Could you send back the naughty picture of me I sent you?"
The soldier decides to take revenge, gathers up naughty pictures of girlfriends and wives from 20 of his comrades, shoves them all in an envelope with a short note saying, "I don't really remember which one you are. Just take the one of you and mail the rest back, would you?"
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 12, 2016 0:13:52 GMT
Looking to cut down on the amount of highly paid generals, the US Army decided to offer a full year's pay to any general who would retire of his own free will. To sweeten the deal a little, they offered to pay any general $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points of his own choosing on his body.
One general decided to take the deal and asked the measurement to be between the tip of his right big toe and the top of his head. 70 inches. He retired with a little over a million dollars.
Another one took the deal and asked the measurement be made between his left big toe and the tip of his right middle finger as he stretched his arm above his head. 90 inches. He made off with almost $1.5 million.
A third general made a strange request. He wanted the measurement to be made between his right knee and his testicles. The doctor assigned to the task pulled out his measuring tape and started at the knee, but as he made his way up, he suddenly exclaimed, "MY GOD, SIR! WHERE ARE YOUR TESTICLES?!"
The general smiled smugly and answered, "Somewhere in Vietnam."
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Post by OziRiS on Aug 12, 2016 0:40:51 GMT
Two tigers are walking through the jungle, one behind the other. The back one suddenly sticks out its tongue and licks the front one in the butt. "Hey! Stop that!", the front tiger says. The tiger in the back goes, "Sorry," and they keep walking.
5 minutes later, the front tiger feels the back one licking its butt again, so it turns around and goes, "I thought I told you to stop, you perv!" The other one once again goes, "Sorry," and they keep walking.
Another 5 minutes pass and the tiger in the back once again sticks out its tongue and connects with the other tiger's butt. The other tiger gets angry and says, "OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
The tiger in the back goes, "Sorry... I just ate a politician and I'm trying to get the horrible taste out of my mouth..."
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Post by the light works on Aug 12, 2016 4:27:08 GMT
A man had a massive heart attack, and the doctor told him his only hope was a heart transplant.
luckily, said the doctor, we currently have three to choose from.
first, we have a vegetarian's heart. it is completely free of cholesterol and it will cost $500,000.
"well, that sounds good" said the patient, "but I should hear the other two."
the second is an athlete's heart. it's had a lean diet, and daily aerobic exercise. it is also $500,000.
"that's good, also" said the patient, "but what is the third?"
well, the owner of this heart never ran when he could walk, and never walked when he could drive. he ate only fried foods, and it costs $2,000,000.
"why is that so expensive if it had such bad care?" asked the patient.
it's a lawyer's heart and it's never been used.
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Post by silverdragon on Aug 14, 2016 10:03:13 GMT
Apparently this has done the rounds a few times, but for any that didnt get it (The rest of the world) its quite entertaining...
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