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Post by the light works on Feb 21, 2020 3:04:17 GMT
a guy had a habit of stopping at the liqor store on his way home and getting a pint of whiskey to drink.
one noght, as he finished his bottle, he heard a knock at the door. when he opened it, there was a six foot tall cockroach at the door, it came in, slapped him around, and disappeared.
shocked, he assumed it was a product of too much drinking. so the next night he only got a half pint bottle. as he finished it, there was a knock at the door, and when he opened it, the six foot tall cockroach came in, slapped him around, and disappeared.
shaken, the man completely bypassed the liqor store, the next night, but the six foot tall cockroack still barged in, slapped him around, and disappeared.
concerned, he went to his doctor, and told him the whole story.
"what's wrong with me, doctor?" he asked.
"oh, there's nothing wrong," the doctor said, "it's just a nasty bug that's going around."
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 14, 2020 2:59:03 GMT
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 14, 2020 3:09:36 GMT
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a big bowl filled with what must have been over 200 grand in $50 bills behind the counter.
The guy asks the bartender, "What's with the money in the bowl?"
The bartender replies, "It's a challenge I've got going. I've got 3 tasks for you to complete. If you can do it, you'll win the whole thing, but you gotta pay $50 to hear the tasks first."
The guy decides, "What the hey, why not?" and proceeds to pull $50 from his wallet and tosses it on top of the bowl of money.
The bartender says, "Ok, you see that 6'5" bouncer by the back door? He's an ex MMA fighter and you need to knock him out. He'll give you one free punch, but if it doesn't knock him out, he'll beat you into next week. After that, if you head out the door he's guarding, you'll find my 200 lb rottweiler. Meanest SOB you'll ever meet and he's got a bad tooth. I need you to pull the tooth out for me. Then, finally, upstairs is my 108 year old granny. She ain't been pleasured in a looooong time and you gotta go 'make her night' if you know what i mean."
The guy says "Alright, well I used to box back in the day and I think I can take the bouncer." He then walks right up to him and sure enough, lays him out in one hit.
He turns to the bartender and asks, "You said dog out back, right?"
The bartender nods and says, "Yup."
The guy opens the door and the dog starts barking and trying to fight its way into the bar. The guy pushes the dog back into the alley and slams the door shut.
The only thing the bartender and all the people in the bar can hear is the dog barking like crazy. Then it goes dead silent for a few seconds, followed by some quiet dog whimpering.
After about ten minutes, the guy throws open the door, walks back into the bar with a huge smile on his face and says, "Alright, now where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 14, 2020 3:18:46 GMT
I farted on the bus today.
Four people turned around in their seats.
Kinda felt like I was on the Voice.
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Post by OziRiS on Mar 14, 2020 3:21:46 GMT
What do you call a midget mentalist who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large
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Post by the light works on Mar 14, 2020 4:00:27 GMT
Q: what do you call a dog with no legs?
A: doesn't matter, he's not going to come.
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Post by WhutScreenName on Apr 7, 2021 13:44:20 GMT
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Post by the light works on Apr 8, 2021 1:34:00 GMT
I remember the good old days when every computer company boss thought Scott Adams was the pen name of one of their employees. |
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Post by GTCGreg on Apr 8, 2021 2:27:21 GMT
I remember the good old days when every computer company boss thought Scott Adams was the pen name of one of their employees. I wonder if their bosses all had pointy hair. |
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Post by the light works on Oct 18, 2021 1:05:07 GMT
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Post by the light works on Nov 15, 2021 17:20:19 GMT
just got a reminder that I saw an explosives truck going through town a few days back (presumably having delivered to one of the local rock quarries) their slogan: "groundbreaking performance"
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Post by WhutScreenName on Jun 29, 2022 14:20:28 GMT
 Did you hear that a biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab? Apparently the results speak for themselves! |
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Post by the light works on Jun 29, 2022 23:57:31 GMT
I think it's been here before, but:
Toilets stolen from police station.
police have nothing to go on.
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Post by WhutScreenName on Aug 2, 2022 12:57:42 GMT
One of the draws of Dilbert, is how well 'office life' is captured. Today's is a little different, but just phenomenal! dilbert 2022-08-02 |
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Post by the light works on Aug 2, 2022 14:14:07 GMT
One of the raw's of Dilbert, is how well 'office life' is captured. Today's is a little different, but just phenominal! dilbert 2022-08-02I stopped following Dilbert when our regional paper decided they wanted to be a local paper instead. |
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Post by WhutScreenName on Nov 28, 2022 23:18:48 GMT
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Post by GTCGreg on Nov 29, 2022 13:14:22 GMT
Scott Adams lives in California, and he’s talking about reality? I wonder if that’s where they got the test subjects. |
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Post by the light works on Nov 29, 2022 15:09:54 GMT
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Post by GTCGreg on Nov 29, 2022 17:33:47 GMT
Yeah, not a good idea to mix comics and life coaches. Not that I need a life coach. If I haven't figured it out by now, I never will. |
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Post by ironhold on Dec 20, 2022 18:01:09 GMT
From my Twitter feed:
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